Mr Fixit
by Halibel Lecter
Summary: In which Kaien is a plumber, Aizen does some swatting, and the people listening in on them get ALL the wrong ideas. Crack. Oneshot series.
1. Chapter 1

Mr

Mr. Fix-it

Rukia was out for a walk one day when she heard a familiar voice coming from the Squad 13 barracks. Kaien's voice. Could it be? She quickly found the room it had come from and pressed her ear to the door. Inside, her taichou was speaking.

"It's great to have you back, Shiba-san. We missed you and your…uh…unique skills."

"Great to be back…now…should we get down to business?"

"Oh, absolutely. It's right in here."

"Okay, so…what's the problem here? Is it broken, or…?"

"Goodness no!" Ukitake's voice filtered through the door. "Why would it be broken? I'm just…having a little trouble with…you know…the flow. Uh, lately." Rukia's eyebrows jumped. Surely, so much time watching human TV had made her more prone to…er…less-than-savory thoughts. That was all this was. Right? This was the real Kaien—his imposter was long dead—and her taichou, I mean come on…

"Okay, so let's try working on it from the other end…let's see…get me that stuff over there."

"It's slippery!"

"Yeah, it works really well. I use it all the time, just in case something won't go in. You know. Tricks of the trade." A picture was beginning to form in Rukia's mind. She shook her head, trying to roust it out. What was she thinking? After all, her captain was…well…she'd always thought he was…uh…

"Whoa, you must use that stuff a lot—that thing is _huge_!" There was a pause, some moving noises and a rustle of fabric. "Can you even get it in?"

"Sure. I just use a little of this…see? It's in."

"Aah…"

"Now to move it around a little, you know, get a good rhythm going."

"Mmm-hmm. Yes…ah…"

"And before long—see…there!"

"Oh! Wow."

"Your flow ought to be fine…" Kaien sounded pleased with himself. On the other side of the door, Rukia was trying to hold back her breakfast as the grunting and rustling continued.

"Now, I need to get it out…hmm…it's stuck. Hand me some more of that stuff, and we'll see if we can't…" there was a loud, wet "pop". "There, it's out."

"Whew. I thought it might be stuck for good…being so big…"

"It's happened before. You'd be surprised. Once I was over at eleventh and…"

Running outside for some air, Rukia returned just in time to see Renji poking his head out the door.

"Nope, nobody out here. It must have been your imagination, sir." His deep voice carried easily through the walls. Rukia gasped, her face flushing. _Renji?_ But…if he was…then…then they were all, uh…oh…

"Now, you got a good view, right Abarai? You know what to do now?" Kaien's voice was a bit more serious.

"Yeah, thanks. Now I can do this for my taichou…I'm sure he'll appreciate it; he's been having problems too."

"It seems to be pandemic since I've been gone; oh well, I guess I'll be visiting more people than ever."

"Hey, if it's good money…"

"Yes, sir. You have a good day now."

"I will. Thank you Kaien."

The door opened and when Kaien stepped outside, he nearly dropped his box of tools, including the extra-large pipe snake he'd been using to clear the clogs from Captain Ukitake's hot-water pipes. Glancing back to see what he'd tripped over, Kaien saw that his friend Rukia Kuchiki had fainted dead away.

"Huh," he mumbled, "I guess some girls just don't like plumbing…"


	2. Chapter 2

It was a relatively quiet day in Hueco Mundo, meaning that nobody had died. Yet. Hey, it was only ten a-m. Anything can happen, y'dig? Anyway, on this particular "quiet" day Grimmjow was headed for Nel's quarters…he was bored, and she played a mean game of poker. Though he wasn't sure where she'd _learned_ strip double-Vegas hold-em-then-fold-em with a lime twist, it was fun, and he got the feeling he'd rather not know to begin with. As Grimmjow rounded the corner, however, he noticed a loud sound coming from Nel's room.

SMACK!!

"Oh, Aizen-sama…you're so strong…so agile…"

"Think nothing of it, my dear. After all, mine _is_ the biggest in Las Noches." Aizen's statement was punctuated with a loud SLAP! "See? What did I tell you?"

"Yes, Aizen-sama…you're so good…at this…"

SLAP!

SMACK!! WHACK!

SLAP!!

"Ow!" Outside the door, Grimmjow's eyes were the size of dinner plates. He could only imagine what was going on…it didn't sound good. Maybe he could see Nelliel getting into… into _that_ kind of stuff, hey, she was pretty wild. But Aizen? Who knew? For the sake of voyeurism, Grimmjow downed the sake he'd brought for Nel and pressed the empty glass against the door.

SLAP!! WHACK! She was awfully quiet…

SMACK! "Ow! Aizen-sama…"

"Too rough? Sorry, but it was…"

"I understand. Keep going. Please." Taking a moment, Grimmjow realized that the voice was _much_ younger than he was used to; he also noticed a weaker reiatsu. It was at that moment Halibel appeared from the other side of the hall.

"Grimmjow?"

"Shhhh!" Draining his own glass of sake, he passed it to Halibel. "Listen. Aizen and kiddy Nel…I think they're…"

SLAP! "Almost there. Just a moment, alright, Nelliel?"

"Y-Yessir…" there were sounds of moving from the room. Halibel's eyes widened as Grimmjow explained, his face beet-red. Soon, as the sounds continued, they were both an interesting shade of purple.

"Oh my God…" Halibel brought a hand up to her mouth. "You're right, they're--!"

SMACK!!

"There. Finished." Aizen's voice carried through the door, sounding tired. He was clearly panting. Grimmjow began to turn from red to green.

"Really?"

"Ah, you can't tell, being so young. But yes. All done, Nelliel." The two Espada gaped at each other. "So I'll just put it away…and rest for a bit." Now completely green, both Arrancar exchanged looks of horror. It sounded like a nightmare…and yet…

"Th-Thank you, Aizen-sama. Yours really is the biggest in Hueco Mundo…"

"As I said, the pleasure is all mine."

"Yeah, I bet." Remarked Grimmjow. "Her being so young…" He smirked as he caught site of the girl sitting across the hall, staring mortified at his expression. "Bothering you? Well, really, it's pretty simple. See, she's younger, therefore smaller and—"

"Eeeew…okay, Grimmjow, enough."

"Aizen-sama?"

"Yes, Nelliel?" Grimmjow and Halibel glanced simultaneously at the door, afraid of what would come next.

"What if this happens again?"

"I'll be here, whenever you need me."

Ulquiorra leaned in beside Grimmjow and whispered,

"What's going on?" Not the best thing to do, but hey, how many times to you get to see the Sexta Espada _fly_?

Grimmjow peeled himself off the ceiling and regained his spot by the door. "Well… they're…uh, we think Aizen and Nel are, y'know, going at it."

"Going at it?" Ulquiorra asked, perplexed.

"Uh…" He paused. "Aizen and _kiddy_ Nel. We're listening, just to make sure things don't get out of hand…"

"Get out of…hand? Just what are they 'going at', anyway?" Grimmjow visibly paled.

"Oh, boy…uh, Ulquiorra, y'see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other _very much_…" By the time they'd explained to him what could, er, "get out of hand", Halibel and Grimmjow had realized the definition of the term "sheltered life". Yes, the Cuatra Espada had been surprisingly innocent until today. He stared at the floor as silence reigned in the room, processing "The Talk" as per Grimmjow J. To be brief, it ain't your grandma's birds and bees.

"Why…um…is it so quiet?" He finally asked. Apparently this was one area Grimmjow hadn't covered.

"Oh for—" Grimmjow turned to him and began to whisper in as "fatherly" a tone as he could. "Now, son, when a mommy and a daddy love each other _very much_…very, _very_ much, mind you…they go somewhere quiet and make a baby. You knew that. And it makes the daddy very tired, and so he goes to sleep. Sometimes, the want to make a whole bunch of babies, so they do it over and over and the daddy stays awake. It's called being _multi-or—"_ Ulquiorra turned pink.

"Okay, okay!" he whispered. "I get it." His face was now crimson as the visual began to form. The Arrancar's nose was leaking blood.

"No, I don't think you do. See, sometimes the daddy is so tired from getting ready to make a baby that no matter how much he likes it, he conks out right there in the middle of—" Grimmjow stopped as the Cuatra crumpled to the floor in a heap, blood flowing freely from his nose. "Oops. Oh well."

Halibel glanced at Ulquiorra and whispered, "You did that on purpose."

"Yep, and I enjoyed every minute of—"

"Shhhh!"

The two remaining Espada pressed their glasses to the door as movement resumed behind the walls. The first clear sound was Nel's voice.

"Aizen-sama…thank you…"

"Yes, now I suppose I need to clean up?"

"Umm…"

"I did make the mess, ne? Of course I will."

"I can—uh…"

"Don't worry yourself, Nelliel. It's too high for you to reach in your state, anyway. I mean, all over the walls…the ceiling…just relax, please." Halibel looked as if she might faint. Grimmjow was slightly green around the gills.

"Yes, Aizen-sama."

Suddenly, Nel's reiatsu flared and shifted a little. Her voice was now much deeper. "I can get it. Thank you, sir. That was so annoying…" Footsteps. Halibel scrambled back from the door and sonidoed out of the danger area, dragging Ulquiorra by the foot. Grimmjow, stunned, could only stand up and freeze as Aizen and Nel left the room.

Aizen, carrying a comically large flyswatter, bowed to Nel as she returned the gesture.

"Thank you very much. Those flies got in, and I was too short to do much good…they were so irritating!…Anyway, I owe you, sir."

"No, no, the pleasure was all mine. Swatting flies is an incredible stress reliever; I'm just sorry I accidentally hit you. I trust you'll call me again if you require my services?"

"Yes. Thank you, sir." As Aizen bowed and left the room, Grimmjow stared dumbly from him to Nel, and back again. She noticed him and quirked an eyebrow.

"Grimmjow? Uh, do you want to come in? Play some poker, maybe?"

"Um…no thanks." He sonidoed back to his own domain. Nel was about to shut the door when Halibel appeared.

"Hello," said Nel. "Would you like to come in?"

"No, I'm here to get you." Nelliel stared, perplexed, as the other handed over some Oprah-approved reading material. "Listen, Nel, maybe you should stay with someone for a while. Just in case…well…you should get the urge to do something drastic. I mean, after what happened."

"Huh?"

"Denial is the first stage of grief, and that's okay. Just realize that is _not_ your fault, Nel. He took advantage of you, and hurt you, and it's perfectly okay for you to feel bad about it but _it is not your fault._ I mean, you were in your child form. How could you have done anything to stop him?"

"Um, I asked for it, Halibel—"

"No you didn't. Don't allow him to brainwash you, Nel. Be strong. This _wasn't_ your fault. Come on, say it…"

"It is not my fault?"

"That's good. Don't worry, we'll get you some help. I know this great guy in the world of the living named Phil McGraw…"

Nel, bewildered, asked what this all had to do with unruly flies. Halibel promptly fainted, her face a most interesting shade of green.


End file.
